"The cure for the pain is in the pain." ~Rumi
How can I attract emotionally available people if I don't first learn how to be emotionally available for myself? This question has nagged at me for days after a friend / therapist / psychic prompted this question in me. I exhaust so much energy trying to understand the 'why' of something I don't allow myself the space to feel something, no matter how old or painful. I know I do this and have worked hard at it but sometimes something old that I once thought was resolved creeps back in to my subconscious and I get all frustrated and judgey of myself, reprimanding myself for 'not being over it already'.
It's easy to not feel safe in our emotions. Sometimes it feels as though our emotions have the better of us whether it's sadness, anger or even joy - because constant joy can be a sign of an imbalance or be used as an avoidance tactic as much as constant anger can. There was a time when understanding offered a sense of safety for me. Understanding something (or someone) on a deeper level helped me make important and compassionate decisions remaining an observer of my experience. However, this mentality, this belief of the value of remaining detached to a specific outcome, remaining an observer, almost got to the point (and probably more often than I realize) of disassociation. Logic allowed me the space to forgive, to let go of pain, to survive. Logic made me a warrior and a victor. Somehow I got lost in logic, almost as though I believed that my emotions would make me a victim again, so I would stuff them down or judge them in fear of wallowing. Wallowing makes me frustrated and angry so if I found myself moving into wallowing I would call myself out on it. After knowing abuse, it's not uncommon to fall into unhealthy, even self-abusive patterns you've adopted from others.
The thing is though, some emotions return because we haven't given them enough space to be processed. Certainly we can be swallowed by imbalanced emotions and getting professional help in balancing our minds and bodies is critical but we also need to give ourselves permission to feel. Stifling our own emotions only causes them to become imbalanced and subsequently "rule our lives" later on, forcing us to address them anyway. It's easier to do it in the moment but sometimes we don't have (or make) time. Sometimes it isn't safe yet...
Now I reflect on the people I was drawn to when I didn't feel safe. I was drawn to people who were familiar even though familiar doesn't necessarily mean 'safe' but those people who remain a sort of constant offer a sense of stability, of safeness so we cling to them when everything feels like it's spinning. Why though would I cling to people that are always the same if I am intent on evolving? Why would I cling to people who were once drawn to me because of the chaos that was my life, because we resonated with one another at the time but as I strive to transmute everything I can they remain in old chaos... Chaos has its place, it's important for new beginnings but I'm talking about constantly digging and clawing their way into looking for reasons to be a victim, to complain, to pretend they have no power, no divinity. These people are emotionally unavailable for themselves and now they can no longer be emotionally available for me.
I feel great empathy for people in pain, who struggle, who are trapped in their own shame, patterns, etc. This is why I have had so many people like this around me. My reflex, my ego's reflex, is to help but after a year, or two or three go by and the cycles remain the same I have to look at my own unhealthy patterns or trying to rescue people who don't actually want help (and no one really needs rescuing), they want to complain, they want to stay addicted and trapped in their own drama, their stories, always looking for new ways to justify their chosen path of self-torment. People who want help ask for it and take what is offered and run with it, you can see them evolve, learn, grow and even begin to do their own alchemical process, whether they realize it or not.
Last night I dreamt I intentionally consumed parasites with the goal that I could purge things I needed to let go of physically and all it did was make me sick with the parasites AND what I was wanting to eliminate. If that isn't telling of my past patterns demanding to be recognized now I don't know what is. I don't NEED anyone else to help me purge my past, not anymore. I have grown into having the resources within that I need and I have a solid support system of people who do not become overly attached to me or their own dramas. I have people who refuse to become enmeshed in the past but instead fight to learn and grow, seeing pain as an opportunity to see what it can become with some TLC. If I am to truly become emotionally available for myself I need to not get distracted by the "woe is me" stories that come at me from those who seem to almost beg the universe for the next opportunity to reach out with another story of woe. I need to end my pattern of falling in love with potential regardless of whether it's a friendship or romantic encounter or the potential of a relationship of any kind. That isn't remaining present which is one of the keys to emotional availability. The most important thing I realized *for me* is that safeness includes emotional availability. Healthy vulnerability creates beautiful bonds and opportunities for growth. Healthy vulnerability allows... free of control, judgments, attachments, agendas. Healthy vulnerability holds space for the uncomfortableness to move and evolve into whatever it's meant to. If one or both parties doesn't feel comfortable being open and vulnerable in a healthy and productive way, free of criticism or judgment from one's self or another how can that truly be a safe relationship?
I found this excellent article that explains how to spot emotional unavailability early as well as to check in with yourself to make sure you aren't also the one that's emotionally unavailable: 10 TIPS TO SPOT EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY
For nearly eight years I have done everything I could think of to release someone I loved deeply; someone who had helped me find myself again and let go of a dangerous relationship pattern. The caveat was that I created another unhealthy relationship pattern with this man to get out of the dangerous one. I learned, and continue to learn that "better" isn't always right... or best for that matter. There was an intoxicating pull between us, strong enough to be a factor in his relocation.
After confessing and repenting my sins to church elders I begun my healing journey and began my YouTube channel documenting my awareness and recovery around Love Addiction. I studied Psychology focusing on Somatics and Trauma as I became a Body and Energy Worker. My spirituality grew and this one thing continued to haunt me. Just when I thought I was free of it dreams would remind me I was not free. I had created an archetype of what I believed love should be and feel around this person. I faced that and worked at creating a new archetype but the dreams still haunted me.
Then I discovered the idea of Soul Ties. I prayed as I performed a ritual around unbinding my soul from this person after first acknowledging the sinful, toxic way we came together (regardless of how much it helped me). This helped but the dreams started returning. I burned Mugwort essential oil with a candle last night before bed and after vivid dreams I woke up completely clear. I realized that the reason my unconscious and/or subconscious clung to this person, this idea that solidified him as an archetype for me was because of my own shame I refused to acknowledge. The more I think about it, the more I can see how pride blinded me from seeing my own shame. I did what I believed needed to be done and refused to feel shame in order to do it. After it was over pride kept me avoiding and/or denying that shame was an important piece I would need to reconcile. I had convinced myself on some level that if our love worked out, if we ended up together (regardless of how much my conscious mind knew we were all wrong for each other), it would make my choices "ok". It would fix any damage I had done by my actions, regardless of how necessary they seemed at a time when I was out of options (that I could see anyway). It's embarrassing how obvious it is to me now but it's not uncommon to push down unpleasant feelings, especially when life is testing you in so many other ways you just don't have time to do the work until it gets to the point that it refuses to be ignored.
Healing the spirit is vital in any healing process. I had healed my psyche, I continue to work on healing my body but have released these traumas and experiences from my body and heart but my spirit needed healing too. Working with essential oils, creating custom blends for myself and others brings me so much joy. It connects nature to our spirit, offering a potent, concentrated piece of nature in healing our spirit and even our bodies. It's important to remember though, that first, something must be acknowledged. A wrong we have done, a wrong that has been done to us and most importantly, our shame, our self-judgement, our self-abuse, our self-loathing, our choice to remain a victim, succumbing to something that has ended. You have a choice to do the work. The moment you begin the work you are a Warrior, fighting to move from victim to victor.
I get asked this question a lot so I thought I would make videos to help answer this question since I can't answer for each individual situation. Please let me know if you would like me to dig deeper because I would be happy to!
Part One: A common question I get is related to whether or not someone who has left a relationship will return. Some thoughts on when the 'players' in your life experience show certain patterns. This video addresses that question as well as the meaning behind the question.
Part 2: Adding some tools to help you after a breakup or separation following my previous video (linked below) addressing the common question, "How do I know if they will come back?"
Women, we don't have to sacrifice our femininity to be Warriors. Every human on earth has masculine and feminine energy. We have witnessed what happens to society, to homes and to people when one aspect is ignored, denied and stuffed down. We see unhealthy patriarchy and abuse of power when the feminine is trampled on with the intent to control.
There's no need to fear the feminine as that is what nurtures us but it's still feared and has been perceived as a 'weakness' by fragile male egos. True masculinity embraces the masculine knowing its own power and choosing to use it for a greater good. Just as the sun can appreciate witnessing its glow in the face of the moon, true masculinity honors the feminine when it embraces beingness in balance with doing, when it enters consciousness in balance with manifestation, movement and stillness. It knows a mountain isn't as beautiful without the valleys and a house is complimented with a garden. Nature demonstrates the value of these Yin and Yang energies working together every day, month and year. There are incredible examples of men that have stepped into true masculinity by embracing all that they are including the divine feminine, allowing it to flow for deeper and more meaningful life experiences. Terry Crews and Russell Brand are two of my favorite current examples.
As women we can be tempted to lash out, become vengeful and show men what it's like to experience the imbalanced masculine with our rage and anger. Our anger is justified but becoming them isn't the answer. Demonstrating what kind of world we want to see is. Anger is a powerful tool when harnessed appropriately. Embrace your femininity and fight, fight for your life, your daughter's lives, for all women by holding accountable yourself and anyone else that is not coming from a healthy space in how they interact with you or others. Resist adding to the noise of hate and come from a space of love. You can be angry and love at the same time. You can be angry and be compassionate. You can dirty your body as you fight to rise but don't let any experience dirty your heart or spirit. Don't let them change you - BE the change, because that's what divine femininity is. When you do this, you will learn what it means to feel safe within your self, you will know who you are better than ever and you will learn depths of love you never imagined and you won't be fooled ever again.
Women, we need to be our own advocates, praising and raising one another up. There's no time or room to follow the example of toxic masculinity by competing with one another. We have been told we have to compete but deep down we all know the truth. Let's show the world what happens when women unite out of love for ourselves, each other, humankind and our planet. Let's not spend another minute wasting our anger, our capacity for love.
For more information on these energies and discover how they work in our lives click either image below.
Did you know that water in your dreams often means you need to acknowledge emotions? In dreams water will beckon you to stand in witness of your emotions; it's a call to action on your part for your greatest good.
Unprocessed or imbalanced emotions can show up in a variety of other ways such as frequently feeling anger or frustration (often associated with blame and finger pointing / victim mentality), feeling numb, feeling the need to isolate yourself, frequently feeling the need to escape. Instead of creating and having a mindful and healthy relationship with people, food, substances, alcohol, sex, gambling, social media, entertainment, etc. we use them to avoid ourselves.
How do you balance emotions? First, be willing to acknowledge them. Stand in witness of your emotions, honoring them as you recognize their transient nature. This will help you remain the observer in your experience. There is a fine line between surrender and succumbing. Get help understanding that line. The more intense you feel the more you need support; don't do it alone.
Become the master of your experience. I am a woman that grew up with the perception of emotional neglect, Developmental PTSD from childhood trauma and I grew up to know Domestic Violence, Sexual Violence, Manipulation and Gaslighting and I am here tell you that the moment you become your own master and learn to love yourself unconditionally (with boundaries even for yourself) your entire world and the people in it shift. You are no longer a victim but a Warrior filled with compassion and love. Fight for your life. You're worth it.
Nothing will replace help from mental health care professionals but there are a lot of other ways to support your journey of recovery and empowerment. What helped me? Bodywork, Coaching, studying Psychology, Creating, developing a Spiritual practice and helping others. You can emerge from old stories washed clean. Allow your will to be stronger than the things that happened to you.
Micah's confessions and lessons that have helped with self-forgiveness, healing and acceptance.