Life can be hard and confusing and when you're trying to get this life thing down people come along that you want to get to know which can make things even trickier. I found this article today, The Confusing and Horrible Rise of the Several-Night Stand and part of me felt defensive and part of me felt a little depressed. My biggest frustration though is that the internet seems to have forced us into labeling things to the point of picking them apart so much we forget how to be present, how to enjoy the moment and how to build unrealistic or unfair expectations because we're on the defense all the time. I mean, is any of this even new? Or are people just coming up with new terms or buzz words to get more clicks? Read the article and let me know what stands out to you most if you wish. Read on if you want a summary based on my experience and opinion.
Let's begin by saying the word "horrible" is used to shock you into reading the article (it worked for me) but the point of it all is communication. I can only truly speak for women since I have the most experience as a woman but if a woman can communicate well these arrangements don't have to be horrible. Sometimes two people are not in the position to commit to a full-blown relationship, or to be even more frank, they are interested in someone but don't quite feel they are ready to commit to that person yet (or maybe ever). If the conversation is being had and both people know where they stand and if they agree to discuss any feelings as they change (because odds are they will) then this doesn't have to be horrible or confusing.
If one of the parties does not feel comfortable with the potential of changing feelings or future conversations about the relationship (good or bad) then it's best to back away slowly and disengage to avoid future frustration. If you continue you are already basing your decisions on a fantasy, often the hope that the other person will become so enamored with you they will all of a sudden decide to communicate with you or always feel the way you want them to - a recipe for disaster.
The question you can ask before starting a "several-night stand" relationship needs to be:
Do you and the other person consider this as dating with the potential of growing into something more? Or not? If so, discuss what forms of intimacy are most important to you as you get to know one another so one person doesn't over-think not getting a 'goodnight' or 'good morning' text or any other possible faux-pas. Also, agree that if one of you begins to feel their feelings deepen they will bring it up and discuss any natural changes to the relationship at that time. Or, if one person begins to lose interest and doesn't want to hurt the other person then there will be no "ghosting" but they will be clear that they don't want any deeper attachment to grow. If feelings begin to deepen for either of you and you want to progress the relationship then it's time to have the "exclusivity" talk. This is not a topic that should be assumed by either party.
If you both agree that your time together is a mutual "use-use" situation, you don't consider it dating, you don't have ideas of a long-term future and neither of you have expectations of how often you communicate, or see each other then that's great but just like the previous scenario, you need to both agree to be open if and when anyone's feelings start to change. The good news is, in these situations, if the communication is up front and frequent enough no one will ever feel "ghosted" if things change because there was never an expectation to begin with. This is how lovers can remain friends and genuinely happy for someone when they move on with their life (or love life).
Or, you could keep trying to hook-up with people and be at their beck and call with the hopes that they may one day realize how amazing you are and want to commit and live with the constant state of internal drama that creates. The choice is always yours.
Also, stop reading things that make you feel bad about yourself or your decisions. Be honest with yourself first and read things that are helpful, close the tab on the depressing stuff that makes you question yourself. Most of all, remember that everything in life is temporary and there is great strength and courage in living the law of detachment.
The other day I found this article on The New York Times site, Our Mothers As We Never Saw Them and I thought it was brilliant so I decided to write something similar for Mother's Day. The above image of my mother at 16 is my personal favorite. She had told me that she took this image of her self and made a self-depreciating joke about her teenage angst quickly dismissing it. But I was in love. I would sneak a peek at this image whenever I saw the old box of photos or whenever I thought of it. I think on some level I worshiped her; her ability to remain so neutral. Of course I know better now, now that we have grown to be more realistic friends with one another and our relationship is, to my surprise, better than ever but back then I was this girl at 16...
When I looked at my mother before she had me and we were the same age I saw everything I wasn't. I saw a woman who already knew herself. She saw awkward teenage angst, her adult self judging how cool she once thought she was, but I saw how little she had changed and admired it. She took that coolness, that angst and became a successful artist, even teaching college courses by the time I was 16. I saw her dedication to her work, always knowing who she was and who she was always going to be. I looked in the mirror and saw a nervous, jittery, awkward loner type girl that dreamed of magic, not conjuring or spells but real life, everyday magic. I saw a girl who was just taking life one day at a time because I had no dreams of my future other than to be a good wife and maybe have kids.
Strange how I inherited my mother's imagination and father's wit but because it wasn't grounded it confused not only me but also my mother and I gave up on believing in magic and tried to learn how to be practical and fit into a box that had been defined for me, quickly married at 19 and becoming a mother six months later when I found out I was pregnant - because you are a mother the moment you become pregnant.
My life then became all about my son and I became determined to allow him to have life experiences I wasn't allowed when I was young so that his decisions could be based on awareness, knowledge and his own passions. As unhealthy as it may sound, at some point my son and I began learning about life together. I have recently started watching Gilmore Girls reruns because it helps me feel a little better about how I raised my son. It's ok, you can laugh.
The reason I share this is because now my son is married and I see how the generations after mine are waiting to have kids which I think is great but I also see how much they use technology and how temporary memories are becoming with apps like Snapchat. There is something to be said for documenting who you are, your own journey of self-discovery as you get older, your life lessons, your adventures. Even if you don't have children you will want (even need) to look back at your own progress and celebrate it. Life has a way of making us question our value, our worth, our purpose and having tangible things to reflect with helps. Document the fun but also document the pain.
Because of my mother's early selfie and other artists who paved the way to use their art to process pain, life experiences and reflect, Frida Kahlo and Salvador Dali for example, I found different ways to document my own experiences through self-portraits, selfies, writing and vlogging. Don't be afraid to be who you are and document the process of figuring out who that is and how it will shift and evolve. Those who surround you, especially your children will thank you for it and it will help them have the courage to do the same.
Now I'm curious about what you know of your mother before she became a mother. Share if you would like!
"I want you" - "I need you" - "I choose you"
There was a time when I longed to be wanted; I craved the words, "I need you". Then I realized that 'want' comes from a space of emptiness and 'need' was coming from my own perception of lack. I wanted nothing more than to be enough for someone. How absurd when my cries were from a space of emptiness and lack proving I wasn't enough?!
I began to do the work, primarily focused on awareness; noticing when my patterns could potentially emerge, pausing, and making a different choice than one I would have made in the past. My entire world and worldview shifted as well as how I interacted with others. The thing about being self-aware is you begin to become more self-fulfilled, more self-nurturing and learn the healthy balance of self-love thereby giving you the opportunity to truly show up and love others in the healthiest ways for everyone. Every interaction with other human beings becomes more fulfilling, even if it is simply because it offers a new awareness or opportunity for growth.
This is about the time the opportunity to know a certain kind of love knocked on my door. This time I was ready to face any fears head on as they would come up and begin to mindfully explore this new road with absolutely no attachment to an idea, a fantasy or a desired outcome.
Here's the thing about dating when you have worked on all of your own 'stuff', you can be completely open to standing in witness of how things unfold. For the first time I wasn't the girl jumping to the end of the book to see how it ends before reading the entire thing, I am the woman who picks up the book excited to see where this journey takes me, perfectly willing to accept a surprise ending or explore an infinite amounts of chapters.
Here I am discovering what it's like to choose someone every single day. I would read the quotes about love being a choice and love being a verb but never appreciated it in the real sense, the a posteriori sense. But now, now I see that the choice alone is a verb. Our overall wellness is a choice as well as a union of the mind, body and spirit; this goes for our relationships as well. Each morning and throughout the day my mind may choose him, other times my heart and often my body wants a say as well. When I'm with him they all choose him at once and it's like music; different types of music, sometimes the playlist changes or it's on shuffle but for each day and each experience we share, even in quiet stillness, there is always music.
Now desire is born from the space of my own fulfillment and the recognition of the fulfillment he has within him. Desire comes from all the little things that make this person who they are, the shadow and the light, creating this beautiful package. Desire comes from the appreciation of being accepted as we are with no projections from our past. Desire comes from the relief of getting to know someone who doesn't truly need anything from us but chooses to sometimes be the one to graciously give and sometimes graciously receive. Desire will be easy because even the scariest moments will somehow make you feel even safer and you will feel a sense of ease as you get through them together. Desire will be the celebration of sharing an exciting experience with someone new, ready for wherever the road may lead you because no matter what, you will always have these moments that you are sharing together.
My newly married son, Jayson agreed to do a video with me before leaving for Japan serving with the Navy for the next few years. We didn't plan or rehearse, I asked an impromptu question and he answered honestly with the first thing that came to his mind with one take. I hope you enjoy my son's insight on what he has learned about love and relationships.
Micah's confessions and lessons that have helped with self-forgiveness, healing and acceptance.