An update on upcoming projects as well as inviting feedback on your thoughts on shame, empowerment and sexuality. Also, a special thank you to the Patreon members that have helped me already!
I long to meet you where it’s still, where there is a pause, a void, a womb filled with possibility.
This is the place where the earth feels so still you swear you can hear the fire in her heartbeat, feeling her rise as she takes a breath beneath your feet.
This is the pause before an artist begins their work, quietly forming an understanding between themselves and their instrument of choice - a painter lifting their brush hovering over a blank canvas; a writer that is preparing to allow their fingers to speak their heart’s truth; a musician connecting to their instrument and an audience right before they begin to play.
This is that micro-moment between the time it takes for you to feel a gentle caress on your skin and the chills that rise up your spine in response.
This is when time seems to slow right before lips meet.
This is when your lover bares themselves, body, heart, and spirit before you and awe replaces all thought as you are invited in to witness the raw beauty of their unmasked humanness.
This is when you feel surrender wash over you and you suddenly sense that you're floating.
This is the silent heightened awareness that you share with someone before zenith is reached.
This is the pause between breaths, between our own heartbeats.
This is the space of trust, faith, vulnerability, truth.
This is where we remember who we are.
This is where God resides, where stars are born, where we were first joined.
This is where your eyes take me.
This is where we are master creators.
This is where we belong.
Meet me here. Always.
With one brush of his hand, the past falls away like a silk slip delicately tumbling to the floor. You have asked for this moment in a thousand little specific and non-specific ways. You have asked to be confronted with all the work you have done, with how far you have come. You have asked to be faced with your progress and your limitations. You have asked for a safe space to witness every experience that has shaped you up to this moment, to have it reflected back to you and then to witness it leave you, no longer adding value to your life. You are completely reborn in this new moment, the past integrated and now nothing more than a tired dream you can choose to forget or recall on a whim.
In this moment you are fully present and aware because you promised yourself that much. You promised to embrace an opportunity like this as the gift that it would be. You have learned what unconditional love is and promised yourself that to be in that state you would need to be fully present, free of expectations, open to learn, to raise a new awareness, to go deeper into your self and to share that experience with just the right person; someone that would allow you to be safe and completely vulnerable without compromising themselves but instead stepping more fully within themselves along with you. Boundaries and needs are understood and honored so that unrealistic expectations can’t accidentally slip in. There is no past and there is no future, just this moment. Intention is a powerful thing and when two people create an agreed upon, mutual intention, magic happens.
Moments like these show you that the deeper the love is that you have for yourself, the more you can trust yourself and your judgement. You can be patient because you know your worth. You can release expectations because you are already fulfilled. The right people will ask to be invited into that space and will command the same for themselves. You can both experience freedom and vulnerability because your faith is that strong, in yourself and how you connect to all things. This moment will shape you, bringing you closer to who you are striving to become if you simply allow it.
Never before have I completely surrendered. My mind always clouded with impressions of past pain or fear of an agenda but this time would be different. This would be my first time completely present and vulnerable. An intimate dance played out energetically, physically and spiritually as we were able to explore our selves and each other in new ways. I witnessed my own fear-based impulse for control, explanations, or any other form of power and realized that I no longer need to get caught up in power plays and those impulses evaporated before they could even become. This wasn’t about a power struggle based on lack, an over-compensation or an escape. This was an empowering and healing dance between two people exploring the ultimate, healthy, divine masculine and ultimate, healthy, divine feminine and what that meant for our selves and for each other. There was nothing to prove. Our egos were laid to rest, if even for the moments we shared and that was our ascension.
Over time, the deepest part of my self that I had to face was being challenged in a new way of what unconditional love truly means. Agape seems easier to come by when someone hurts you because you can relate to their pain on some level and sometimes empathy can be a bit of a crutch, but unconditional love also applies to the most exquisite interactions as well. Allowing something or someone to remain undefined so you can witness the unfolding is, in itself, a sacred act and an act of unconditional love not just for someone else but especially for you. Fear tries to make us think… well, think! Dissecting or defining something doesn't always make it more beautiful... manageable perhaps (and necessary at certain times) but not more beautiful.
You allow the levels of and types of love you believe you're worth so as your self-worth grows in your own mind and heart, when you can make your own spirit soar, the various forms of love that enters your life is almost unfathomable. You have to step back in awe as you witness the expansiveness of true, soul-filled love and acceptance of people. Of course, the reality that perhaps no one can love you the way you can love you may be jarring, but the great thing is, that love is reflected back to you by the people you begin to align with. People rise up to meet you. They see and honor their own ability to love and accept another person as well. What if all love was simply a reflection of your own love? If everything is connected and everyone is a reflection, the love you're capable of offering is also the love you're capable of receiving... why shouldn't that begin with you?
This image captured for me, that moment of deep, sacred reverence for the honor of being invited to share the space and the most intimate types of experiences that two people can share and all that it has done for me.
For nearly eight years I have done everything I could think of to release someone I loved deeply; someone who had helped me find myself again and let go of a dangerous relationship pattern. The caveat was that I created another unhealthy relationship pattern with this man to get out of the dangerous one. I learned, and continue to learn that "better" isn't always right... or best for that matter. There was an intoxicating pull between us, strong enough to be a factor in his relocation.
After confessing and repenting my sins to church elders I begun my healing journey and began my YouTube channel documenting my awareness and recovery around Love Addiction. I studied Psychology focusing on Somatics and Trauma as I became a Body and Energy Worker. My spirituality grew and this one thing continued to haunt me. Just when I thought I was free of it dreams would remind me I was not free. I had created an archetype of what I believed love should be and feel around this person. I faced that and worked at creating a new archetype but the dreams still haunted me.
Then I discovered the idea of Soul Ties. I prayed as I performed a ritual around unbinding my soul from this person after first acknowledging the sinful, toxic way we came together (regardless of how much it helped me). This helped but the dreams started returning. I burned Mugwort essential oil with a candle last night before bed and after vivid dreams I woke up completely clear. I realized that the reason my unconscious and/or subconscious clung to this person, this idea that solidified him as an archetype for me was because of my own shame I refused to acknowledge. The more I think about it, the more I can see how pride blinded me from seeing my own shame. I did what I believed needed to be done and refused to feel shame in order to do it. After it was over pride kept me avoiding and/or denying that shame was an important piece I would need to reconcile. I had convinced myself on some level that if our love worked out, if we ended up together (regardless of how much my conscious mind knew we were all wrong for each other), it would make my choices "ok". It would fix any damage I had done by my actions, regardless of how necessary they seemed at a time when I was out of options (that I could see anyway). It's embarrassing how obvious it is to me now but it's not uncommon to push down unpleasant feelings, especially when life is testing you in so many other ways you just don't have time to do the work until it gets to the point that it refuses to be ignored.
Healing the spirit is vital in any healing process. I had healed my psyche, I continue to work on healing my body but have released these traumas and experiences from my body and heart but my spirit needed healing too. Working with essential oils, creating custom blends for myself and others brings me so much joy. It connects nature to our spirit, offering a potent, concentrated piece of nature in healing our spirit and even our bodies. It's important to remember though, that first, something must be acknowledged. A wrong we have done, a wrong that has been done to us and most importantly, our shame, our self-judgement, our self-abuse, our self-loathing, our choice to remain a victim, succumbing to something that has ended. You have a choice to do the work. The moment you begin the work you are a Warrior, fighting to move from victim to victor.
The first time I was called a tease was when I was a Junior in high school. I had never even kissed a boy, (none were ever interested anyway). Then all of a sudden a boy in a new school called me a tease because I wasn't interested in him. I had no idea where I was getting attention from all of a sudden and I had never heard the term 'tease' before so I had to ask a friend what he meant.
Over time I realized that being a tease was more like a super power. It can be used for the fun of interacting with the right kind of people who don't take themselves or you too seriously but enjoy a little playful banter. You can also be accused of being a tease by someone who has a specific intention for you in their mind, by absolutely no encouragement from you, and you make it clear there is no interest. You can learn a lot about other people when you don't show your hand too soon.
I don't give this much thought really until someone comes along that I don't want to tease... unless he wants me to, of course. It's tough to intentionally tease someone you want, you crave, you desire with every fiber of your being. The tease changes and you end up teasing yourself. You wake up to the scent of him, the way he moves with you and your body tenses up and you just have to stretch out the memory of him. The whispers of his mouth, the frankness of his words, the determination in every touch, the way he listens with his heart and his body - he has complete control over you, whether either of you want him to or not. To meet your match in the art of the tease is an exquisitely painful karma; one I am all too willing to surrender to.
Micah's confessions and lessons that have helped with self-forgiveness, healing and acceptance.