Last night I decided... as I stared into the black and fought with the sheets that only grew tighter... that I would surrender to what is. For tonight I would forget the 'why' of things and remember the exquisite release of surrender to what 'is'.
Understanding the 'why' of things has its place. The 'why' can help us learn and grow and keep ourselves from experiencing regrets more than once. It can make failure palpable, even beneficial...
But this is a testimony for the letting go of the 'why'. When we let go of the 'why' we can feel the sensations, the pleasures, the best of the memories that may haunt us. In the day, under the masculine power of the sun we can intellectualize but in the night, under the soft light of the moon choose to surrender to what is and what was and every sensation that brings. Feel the moments, the memories and let them wash over you and if you notice pain, let that move through you too. There is a powerful elegance in the femininity of surrender when we allow it, free from attachment.
There are people who come into your life that seem to accidentally reflect your light back at you just when you need to see it the most. Life can get dark and as you grow and evolve yourself you begin to lose your connections. It's tough to know where you fit when you and the people you know seem to outgrow one another. Even if it's all for the better that doesn't seem to make the feeling of 'alone-ness' much easier.
This has happened to me quite a lot over the past six and a half years and I keep finding myself trying to adjust who I am to "fit in" somewhere; an old pattern I learned from growing up being told to behave a certain way. With no chance to grow into myself I was married and again, told how to look, speak and behave. It should come as no surprise then that when the opportunity to rebel came to me I took it, desperate to discover myself in another person who was far removed from my life. I created two worlds as a way to survive the toughest one I was living.
I took this image when I began to see who I WAS thanks to the accidental reflection from someone who saw who I WAS and not who they wanted me to be and my journey of self-discovery began. My life was saved for the first time. I took this for ME, first click, no filters or modifications.
Now I'm in a similar space again. My world is now my own and I am recognizing my tendency to "adjust" myself for others and I thank myself for creating that pattern as a means to be safe in the past and then I reassure myself that I am safe now. I am the author of my life and therefore each experience that I have. I have complete control over my perspective and responses to any given situation.
So when someone holds my eye contact with no fear and flashes a smile as we recognize the light in one another, we truly see and accept one another with no attachment to an idea of the other person, just pure acceptance and discovery, I can embrace this moment because my world no longer needs to be divided. I can embrace each moment and appreciate it for what it is, no matter how fleeting, and see who I AM, not who someone expects or imagines me to be... and that's a pretty great feeling.
Maybe it's the upcoming Full Moon, maybe it's because it's Halloween month but I've had some vivid dreams with clear spiritual battles between perceived "good" and "evil". Last night my subconscious chose to show me people's energy by surrounding toxic people with black liquidy smoke and then I saw two women seated with gentle, almost witchy smiles and their energy was all dancing bokeh light. I made the intention right then and there I would be the person with beautiful bokeh light energy and I wouldn't let anyone take that from me, or interfere.
Bokeh Wallpaper: http://pcwallart.com/katie-cassidy-black-canary-wallpaper-2.html
Bokeh Girl Dancing with Hearts: http://girllovesfood.com/girllovesfood/2014/7/23/bokeh-much-the-photography-trick-you-just-have-to-try-technique-how-to-girl-loves-life
Micah's confessions and lessons that have helped with self-forgiveness, healing and acceptance.