I have wrestled with the concept of past lives for years now. When I went to college the topic actually came up a lot and when I studied Clinical Hypnotherapy even more so. This past year I read the book, ‘Many Lives, Many Masters’ by Brian L. Weiss and it resonated with me although I still feel inner resistance to the idea, probably because of my upbringing. When I took those classes and had my own regression sessions however, I had what felt like memories come up even though I was a skeptic (to say the least). This is my story and I’m not trying to convince you of anything but rather wish to engage in a dialogue around this topic.
When you are under clinical supervision during Hypnotherapy it isn’t a game or a joke, you are remaining conscious while exploring your sub and unconsciousness. Like a flash I could see myself wailing in agony. I was grieving. I was an Egyptian man in ancient Egypt, wearing a white shendyt and a white and gold nemes. As I lamented I could see myself vow to never love so deeply ever again. I swore at the gods for taking the woman I loved from me. The memories came back all at once but fragmented as most memories can be. I remember seeing her body on a slab surrounded by a bed canopy as she was being prepared for funeral rites which pushed me beyond my breaking point as I ran outside filled with rage and pain. We were young, late twenties I believe, and not yet married. I knew she had died from an illness and that our love had to be a secret prior to her death which had something to do with her family but the details remain unclear. I knew that unless I found her again I would never be able to completely give my heart to anyone ever again.
When I came to full, present awareness after the session I was in a bit of shock. I had seen my life, this lifetime, pass before my eyes. I saw my failed relationships lined up in front of me. I saw how I would use sex as a way to distance myself from anyone and to keep them from getting too close. I knew love but only out of necessity and a part of me was always guarded, always holding back. Prior to this hypnotherapy session I had discovered that this lifetime was meant for me to clean up old karma from past lives, specifically around romantic relationships. I could find a psychological reason for my patterns all I wanted but until I accepted that I was dealing with past karma, from another lifetime, the patterns would repeat. I needed to learn a lesson from a former lifetime. Regardless of how much I believed in past lives, I couldn’t deny how odd it was that I had such unhealthy relationships when I came from a loving home with devoted parents and no emotional abuse or trauma as a child to explain my behaviors and choices throughout my life.
From the moment my mother became pregnant with me I resisted this life. She was gravely ill the entire pregnancy and was in an accident. I was nearly two weeks late and my mom had life-threatening labor as I screamed inside her womb fighting the delivery, my body twisted upside-down, bottom first. I had significant physical traumas from childhood into adulthood and all the times I came close to dying I never did. Then my son was born and he became my greatest teacher. I had a friend tell me once that my son was very likely an important spiritual teacher for me in a former life and he came into this life to help me continue to learn. No one else would be able to push me to fight for my life and my overall health like the love and devotion I had for my son did. I wanted to show him consequences and I wanted to show him that people can change and that hopefully, karma works out in your favor when you put in that effort. My son has always been a bit of a Sage though, he understood things on a deep level at a very early age. He taught me so much about the wisdom of youth (before adults influence them too much) as well as perceptions as his were always very profound albeit different than my own.
I had done so much work on myself I had let go of the idea of knowing a healthy relationship, in this lifetime anyway. I was most recently single for four years, dedicated to becoming healthy and learning a way to help others do the same. I was devoted to clearing my karma, regardless of which lifetime it was from. Then one day someone I had a crush on for eight years appeared to me in a dream after we hadn't interacted for quite some time. Something, my higher self perhaps, kept telling me to reach out to him even if I hadn't thought of him in a while, so I used the dream as an opportunity to reach out. I had forgotten about the past life memories that came up nearly seven years prior to this until I took the time to really open up to this man. I had always felt connected to him, from the moment we met eight years ago but I couldn’t explain it logically. I resisted looking into his eyes for too long whenever we would interact. Once we started seeing each other I remembered the love that I had lost in that other lifetime and I remembered my vow, condemning love. Now this man’s love saves me and it feels familiar, like the woman’s love had seemed to save me in Egypt, except this time, I have done the work on myself to make sure that it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to make me happy, to make me know love, to define me or how I see myself in the world. Now I open up and allow myself to be vulnerable (all while maintaining healthy boundaries) and I remember feeling such a deep love before except now I know that even if I lost love (in the form of this committed relationship) again I wouldn’t curse the gods but I would thank them for letting me know this kind of love again, to bring us together (again perhaps?) so we could know how expansive this kind of unconditional love, free from unrealistic ideas or expectations can be. I have learned a tremendous amount about gratitude and remaining present and knowing that love doesn’t define me, it IS me as it’s all of us when we choose to step into it.
I long to meet you where it’s still, where there is a pause, a void, a womb filled with possibility.
This is the place where the earth feels so still you swear you can hear the fire in her heartbeat, feeling her rise as she takes a breath beneath your feet.
This is the pause before an artist begins their work, quietly forming an understanding between themselves and their instrument of choice - a painter lifting their brush hovering over a blank canvas; a writer that is preparing to allow their fingers to speak their heart’s truth; a musician connecting to their instrument and an audience right before they begin to play.
This is that micro-moment between the time it takes for you to feel a gentle caress on your skin and the chills that rise up your spine in response.
This is when time seems to slow right before lips meet.
This is when your lover bares themselves, body, heart, and spirit before you and awe replaces all thought as you are invited in to witness the raw beauty of their unmasked humanness.
This is when you feel surrender wash over you and you suddenly sense that you're floating.
This is the silent heightened awareness that you share with someone before zenith is reached.
This is the pause between breaths, between our own heartbeats.
This is the space of trust, faith, vulnerability, truth.
This is where we remember who we are.
This is where God resides, where stars are born, where we were first joined.
This is where your eyes take me.
This is where we are master creators.
This is where we belong.
Meet me here. Always.
Micah's confessions and lessons that have helped with self-forgiveness, healing and acceptance.