I have learned this lesson because I have been overly accommodating my entire life. In Enneagram I am a 9 - The Peacemaker and the shadow side of that is wanting to 'keep the peace' so badly you bend to other's will, you agree to things you don't really want and you do this so often you begin to lose yourself. Your mental, spiritual, emotional and physical health begins to rebel. We all have this aspect in us, it just happens to be my dominant. Notice how often you agree to things and take a step back and ask yourself if this is what you really want. If you don't know take a break from the situation until you do.
When you take a life pause long enough to know your own mind be prepared for backlash. Chin up, you keep standing up straight and it will all work out for the better for all parties. Those who love and care for you most may be confused but will witness the results and support you either way. The rest will show who they really are without your constant acquiescence.
Thinking back on the various types of orgasms I've experienced had me pondering the fact that the more significant the orgasm, the deeper sense of gratitude I experienced beforehand, (obviously anyone is grateful for a good orgasm after the fact). As I pondered and discussed this topic further with other people who are adept in this department I also began to ponder the act of surrender and its role in pleasure and ultimately orgasm - sexually speaking.
Orgasms are not difficult for me because I have learned to take my time, to have a very good sense of a man and know that there is a mutual synergy and respect with no sense of neediness or expectations attached. Yes, I have learned discernment and how to maintain my sense of dignity through less than and even traumatic avenues but I have learned and very much love where I'm at with my love life and sexuality.
Less truly can be more in this instance.
Less has meant not settling, waiting for perfect / divine timing, and sometimes a dash of love. As a recovering Love Addict and someone who is, in astrological terms, ruled by Venus in Taurus and who's Mars is in Pisces I do tend to fall in love a little with the people I let "in" (pun wasn't intended but there it is). "Love" in the English language is insultingly simple for what I mean though. I don't believe there is an addictive component when you can remain detached from any particular outcome and you have released that desperate image you have held on to in your mind for as long as you can remember. Believing in love and embracing it in each form that it has been presented to me has expanded my ideas, beliefs, imagination, creativity, spirituality and sense of self as well as my sense of wholeness and what that means. I will cover different types of "love" in different languages in future videos and blogs.
When I think about the less than satisfactory sexual experiences they all started with me, just as the best ones do. When I was having sex out of a feeling of obligation or because I was in want, it was less than satisfying. Although, some of my best realizations about myself and the darker path I once was on came (unintentional pun again) when in less than or even awful interactions with men I didn't really want to be with. They misunderstood this to mean we had a really good connection (and still do) but it was more the awakening you get when something really tragic happens. Thank you for the lesson... Moving on...
The greatest sexual experiences I have had were in the beginning of deep and meaningful love, before any betrayals, when I was naive about what "this could be" and surrendered completely with no regard to the pain that could come later. When betrayal and dismay set in the sexual experience shifts, mainly because my perceptions were shattered and now that person would represent that shattered fantasy. Once though, I let go of any fantasy or idea of what could be and fully embrace what is I gain control of my orgasm again. The union with this partner you trust and respect, who truly needs nothing from you than your presence when you are together becomes much more meaningful, even spiritual. Setting aside the physical ways I am capable of achieving my desired outcome (which I have rarely had issues with), as a woman, emotionally I am able to surrender, feeling safe, falling in love with the sensations in my body, each of them unique each time. I am able to carry this feeling into every day life. Trauma no longer ruling me, so any sensation felt in my body is trusted. I can even tell when I'm getting sick earlier and take preventative measures sooner because I am tuning in more.
This all brings me back to the original point, being grateful for your partner and his (or her) willingness to give you a safe space to be vulnerable allows for deeper and more meaningful orgasms, and the deeper that connection becomes the deeper and more intense the shared sexual expression.
So ultimately, if YOU were to look at orgasms as a component of gratitude, how would this change your perspective and even experience of sex (if at all).
There is much more to discuss on this topic in the future so I will pause for now with the intent that, if you are a woman and this is a difficult topic for you, I am happy to discuss more privately.
Visit my friend Kim's site for more work or to schedule a shoot of your own in the Phoenix area: http://www.goodvibesphoto.com/
This quote was on a post card and I can't stop thinking about it. I've thought of all the times I believed I was sacrificing for pleasure but in reality, I was sacrificing myself for momentary satisfaction, faux fulfillment, a whisper of validation, even attention misinterpreted as love. Is it really pleasure if you can't surrender wholly and completely without using this "pleasure" as a means to some sort of end? Or worse yet, to avoid feeling something else?
A reader requested this portion of "Reflections" on a meme so, wish granted. Thank you for reading!
Full writing can be found here: http://www.msmicah.com/confessions--lessons/reflections
Micah's confessions and lessons that have helped with self-forgiveness, healing and acceptance.