An update on upcoming projects as well as inviting feedback on your thoughts on shame, empowerment and sexuality. Also, a special thank you to the Patreon members that have helped me already!
I have wrestled with the concept of past lives for years now. When I went to college the topic actually came up a lot and when I studied Clinical Hypnotherapy even more so. This past year I read the book, ‘Many Lives, Many Masters’ by Brian L. Weiss and it resonated with me although I still feel inner resistance to the idea, probably because of my upbringing. When I took those classes and had my own regression sessions however, I had what felt like memories come up even though I was a skeptic (to say the least). This is my story and I’m not trying to convince you of anything but rather wish to engage in a dialogue around this topic.
When you are under clinical supervision during Hypnotherapy it isn’t a game or a joke, you are remaining conscious while exploring your sub and unconsciousness. Like a flash I could see myself wailing in agony. I was grieving. I was an Egyptian man in ancient Egypt, wearing a white shendyt and a white and gold nemes. As I lamented I could see myself vow to never love so deeply ever again. I swore at the gods for taking the woman I loved from me. The memories came back all at once but fragmented as most memories can be. I remember seeing her body on a slab surrounded by a bed canopy as she was being prepared for funeral rites which pushed me beyond my breaking point as I ran outside filled with rage and pain. We were young, late twenties I believe, and not yet married. I knew she had died from an illness and that our love had to be a secret prior to her death which had something to do with her family but the details remain unclear. I knew that unless I found her again I would never be able to completely give my heart to anyone ever again.
When I came to full, present awareness after the session I was in a bit of shock. I had seen my life, this lifetime, pass before my eyes. I saw my failed relationships lined up in front of me. I saw how I would use sex as a way to distance myself from anyone and to keep them from getting too close. I knew love but only out of necessity and a part of me was always guarded, always holding back. Prior to this hypnotherapy session I had discovered that this lifetime was meant for me to clean up old karma from past lives, specifically around romantic relationships. I could find a psychological reason for my patterns all I wanted but until I accepted that I was dealing with past karma, from another lifetime, the patterns would repeat. I needed to learn a lesson from a former lifetime. Regardless of how much I believed in past lives, I couldn’t deny how odd it was that I had such unhealthy relationships when I came from a loving home with devoted parents and no emotional abuse or trauma as a child to explain my behaviors and choices throughout my life.
From the moment my mother became pregnant with me I resisted this life. She was gravely ill the entire pregnancy and was in an accident. I was nearly two weeks late and my mom had life-threatening labor as I screamed inside her womb fighting the delivery, my body twisted upside-down, bottom first. I had significant physical traumas from childhood into adulthood and all the times I came close to dying I never did. Then my son was born and he became my greatest teacher. I had a friend tell me once that my son was very likely an important spiritual teacher for me in a former life and he came into this life to help me continue to learn. No one else would be able to push me to fight for my life and my overall health like the love and devotion I had for my son did. I wanted to show him consequences and I wanted to show him that people can change and that hopefully, karma works out in your favor when you put in that effort. My son has always been a bit of a Sage though, he understood things on a deep level at a very early age. He taught me so much about the wisdom of youth (before adults influence them too much) as well as perceptions as his were always very profound albeit different than my own.
I had done so much work on myself I had let go of the idea of knowing a healthy relationship, in this lifetime anyway. I was most recently single for four years, dedicated to becoming healthy and learning a way to help others do the same. I was devoted to clearing my karma, regardless of which lifetime it was from. Then one day someone I had a crush on for eight years appeared to me in a dream after we hadn't interacted for quite some time. Something, my higher self perhaps, kept telling me to reach out to him even if I hadn't thought of him in a while, so I used the dream as an opportunity to reach out. I had forgotten about the past life memories that came up nearly seven years prior to this until I took the time to really open up to this man. I had always felt connected to him, from the moment we met eight years ago but I couldn’t explain it logically. I resisted looking into his eyes for too long whenever we would interact. Once we started seeing each other I remembered the love that I had lost in that other lifetime and I remembered my vow, condemning love. Now this man’s love saves me and it feels familiar, like the woman’s love had seemed to save me in Egypt, except this time, I have done the work on myself to make sure that it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to make me happy, to make me know love, to define me or how I see myself in the world. Now I open up and allow myself to be vulnerable (all while maintaining healthy boundaries) and I remember feeling such a deep love before except now I know that even if I lost love (in the form of this committed relationship) again I wouldn’t curse the gods but I would thank them for letting me know this kind of love again, to bring us together (again perhaps?) so we could know how expansive this kind of unconditional love, free from unrealistic ideas or expectations can be. I have learned a tremendous amount about gratitude and remaining present and knowing that love doesn’t define me, it IS me as it’s all of us when we choose to step into it.
Do you ever become mildly obsessed with a song because it resonates with you or something you’re going through? I had been listening to Salt and Shadow by Thrice over and over again after hearing it for the first time the other day. I kept trying to understand what it was about it that was moving something within me because it didn’t really apply to my current situation or how I feel, other than being a beautiful, soulful song. Then it hit me, it’s because for the first time in my life I do NOT relate to this feeling and that needed to be acknowledged.
The song’s lyrics are beautiful and they express how someone can be physically present but just be ‘salt and shadow’ always so far away. I have lived most of my life as salt and shadow. Wherever I was I wasn’t really there, I wanted to be somewhere else and even if I got to be in the place I imagined, with the person or person(s) I thought I wanted to be with I wasn’t really there either. Where was I? I was ‘half a world away’ always. I wanted to love but never felt safe to do so, not truly. Even when I was loved, I could feel the other person holding back, projecting, hiding, or they simply just loved differently than I did so I stayed far away. This didn’t help any relationship issues obviously; tensions grew and I grew further and further away before physically removing myself.
This is all something I knew was happening. I spent so much time and energy protecting myself, keeping my guard up, I had no energy to invest in myself or anyone I loved including my son. I had never truly known myself and therefore had nothing to offer anyone else and the more someone tried to reach me the further I would pull back. Only recently have I been given the opportunity to shift this pattern. I spent almost 4 years alone to do the work I needed to do on myself so that I would never allow myself to be in a relationship again where I felt like I would be remotely tempted to pull away. In this new relationship I would witness those old patterns creep up and with his support I had to force myself to look at the pattern and step back to look at the entire situation objectively. I needed to see if my desire to pull away was necessary as it had been in the past. It wasn’t. I knew that logically, even in my heart, but my body… my body hadn’t caught up with my mind, heart and spirit.
Each time I was triggered by something that reminded my body of something from the past I would pull away, in a sense abandoning the man that just wanted to love me in that moment. Each time though, I would open up just a little more as he continued to prove his genuine, pure, honest and very real intentions. Part of me needed to see how he would respond to me when I’m triggered or experiencing a PTSD moment before I would open up. I went from shutting him out completely the first time this happened to most recently, feeling what was happening in my body and being with it instead of trying to escape it. Then I needed to tell him what was happening in my mind and body, no matter how ridiculous it sounded so that he could be part of my experience, being allowed to love me and not being shut out. This last time was the most powerful, I cried and he just held me and then it was over. It was as though I had always had chains around me and in that moment of acknowledgment and embrace I realized the chains were made of mist and they faded just as easily and mysteriously as they appeared.
This song haunted me because I needed to acknowledge how far I’ve come and that there are still moments when a part of me, usually my body, is triggered by something from the past and I can feel myself fade into just ‘salt and shadow’ ‘half a world away’ and I don’t need to do that now. What I need now is to completely show up and remain present, especially when it’s most difficult because now I am loved and supported as well as always accepted for who I am regardless of how that may change from moment to moment. I am able to feel empowered in my vulnerability, not taken advantage of, taken for granted, exploited, belittled or abused. Remembering when I needed to escape and knowing that I don’t need to feel that again is one of the most divine feelings you can imagine, it continues to leave me in awe.
The spiritual laws and how they relate to physical laws and how they effect us and what we want vs. what we need. Look up Charles Eisenstein here: https://charleseisenstein.org/
2018 was a potent year for inner reflection and opportunities to raise our awareness, move our blocks, own our mistakes and decide what to do with the lessons. Here are the biggest lessons I learned over this past year. I'm curious what you learned and would like to share too!
Labels - Labels are something I don't really use nor think about anymore except for when they were used to define me by other people. How do you describe yourself as you are still learning to discover who you are and what you have to offer others? I've been told to listen to others describe you and allow them to do that for you but this caused triggers for me because so many of the words used were associated with 'evil' or 'demonic' influence when I was growing up and I began to feel defensive wanting to proclaim how much closer I feel to God, the divine, my Higher Self and all than ever before; how important prayer is in any ritual or practice I'm using from herbalism, intention setting or working with tools.
Witch, Shaman, Alchemist, Medicine Woman, Spiritual Advisor, Moon Goddess, Lover, Artist, Writer, Model, Mother - I had to accept that these words are simply words used to understand the archetype the person sees in me and is actually a clue as to the type of medicine that person needs and where their gifts may have been lying dormant and are ready to begin to awaken. I'm a Pisces Rising which means one of my natural abilities is to morph into whatever a person or situation calls for and this year has taught me how to use that as a tool for the greater good without getting lost in someone else's archetypal definition of me. I am all of these things. I am also fluid and in constant evolution simultaneously embodying all and none of the definitions people need to try to understand me. It's a gift and an honor to witness who someone else is by what filter they choose to see me through. It also makes it easier to accept, teach, connect and love these people exactly the way they need it.
Unconditional Love - Unconditional love was something I thought I was beginning to understand and then I was faced with things from my past I thought I had reconciled to challenge where I thought I had grown and to push me closer to understanding and accepting what unconditional love is. I was shown where my old ego still clung to fear and pain and once I allowed myself to feel the pain I had pushed down for so many years, for the sake of survival being at the forefront of my mind back then. This year is closing with me accepting that I have a love in me that will never die, no matter how much it hurts when it resurfaces. I am compassionately accepting that the pain is only because the story didn't end and begin the way I had wanted - but that was my ego and if it was for the greatest good than it would have worked out that way. I added the most important missing piece to the book I'm writing and I allow myself to feel everything as it pours out of me. As I accepted this and allowed myself to express it, my heart burst open, any remaining walls around it fell, and it felt as though it continued to bleed on the floor around me. It no longer had a hold over me though and my tears weren't made of blood; I was in love and that was ok. Love doesn't begin or end, it just is and the more we try to control it or harness it the more damage we do to ourselves and others because that isn't love at all, it's fear.
Generations - The other major take-away I have from 2018 is that we focus too much on generations assuming that every person from a certain generation is a certain way. We use the lens of fear to judge people that see the world and approach problems differently than we do when we should actually be interested in another way, to be open to having a healthy dialogue and work together towards solutions. Most humans want the same things but our collective dream has us all easily triggered and overly defensive instead of open to hearing another story, another reality, another way. When I treat generations the same but individuals as uniquely as they actually are, we connect deeply and we find much more things in common than differences. When we blame generations that follow us we only have ourselves to blame because we were responsible for offering those people a safe and loving environment to grow up in. When we blame generations before us we close ourselves off to hearing about the lessons and the wisdom those mistakes offered them. When we blame our own generation we blame ourselves. When we blame we remain victims, throwing our hands into the air, giving our power away to anything or anyone instead of taking responsibility and having the courage to learn from our own mistakes.
I make resolutions and set intentions daily and throughout each day. The ending of a year offers us the opportunity to measure our personal (and professional) growth at a macro level, just as reaching a long-term goal measures our personal (or professional) success. We have this opportunity on more micro levels with each passing day, week and month too. Keep a journal if your personal development is important to you so that you can truly see how far you've come at the end of the year. What intentions do you want to set for the year? What lessons from 2018 can you take into 2019 and build upon? Allow your inner work to be forgiving and fluid but also find a way for you that helps you measure your progress so you don't get discouraged during those really trying periods that life inevitably throws at us.
Sending you all my love and blessings for a prosperous New Year filled with more opportunities to have the courage to live life in a loving and compassionate way towards yourself and others. Together we can begin to change the collective dream.
Micah's confessions and lessons that have helped with self-forgiveness, healing and acceptance.