I have wrestled with the concept of past lives for years now. When I went to college the topic actually came up a lot and when I studied Clinical Hypnotherapy even more so. This past year I read the book, ‘Many Lives, Many Masters’ by Brian L. Weiss and it resonated with me although I still feel inner resistance to the idea, probably because of my upbringing. When I took those classes and had my own regression sessions however, I had what felt like memories come up even though I was a skeptic (to say the least). This is my story and I’m not trying to convince you of anything but rather wish to engage in a dialogue around this topic.
When you are under clinical supervision during Hypnotherapy it isn’t a game or a joke, you are remaining conscious while exploring your sub and unconsciousness. Like a flash I could see myself wailing in agony. I was grieving. I was an Egyptian man in ancient Egypt, wearing a white shendyt and a white and gold nemes. As I lamented I could see myself vow to never love so deeply ever again. I swore at the gods for taking the woman I loved from me. The memories came back all at once but fragmented as most memories can be. I remember seeing her body on a slab surrounded by a bed canopy as she was being prepared for funeral rites which pushed me beyond my breaking point as I ran outside filled with rage and pain. We were young, late twenties I believe, and not yet married. I knew she had died from an illness and that our love had to be a secret prior to her death which had something to do with her family but the details remain unclear. I knew that unless I found her again I would never be able to completely give my heart to anyone ever again.
When I came to full, present awareness after the session I was in a bit of shock. I had seen my life, this lifetime, pass before my eyes. I saw my failed relationships lined up in front of me. I saw how I would use sex as a way to distance myself from anyone and to keep them from getting too close. I knew love but only out of necessity and a part of me was always guarded, always holding back. Prior to this hypnotherapy session I had discovered that this lifetime was meant for me to clean up old karma from past lives, specifically around romantic relationships. I could find a psychological reason for my patterns all I wanted but until I accepted that I was dealing with past karma, from another lifetime, the patterns would repeat. I needed to learn a lesson from a former lifetime. Regardless of how much I believed in past lives, I couldn’t deny how odd it was that I had such unhealthy relationships when I came from a loving home with devoted parents and no emotional abuse or trauma as a child to explain my behaviors and choices throughout my life.
From the moment my mother became pregnant with me I resisted this life. She was gravely ill the entire pregnancy and was in an accident. I was nearly two weeks late and my mom had life-threatening labor as I screamed inside her womb fighting the delivery, my body twisted upside-down, bottom first. I had significant physical traumas from childhood into adulthood and all the times I came close to dying I never did. Then my son was born and he became my greatest teacher. I had a friend tell me once that my son was very likely an important spiritual teacher for me in a former life and he came into this life to help me continue to learn. No one else would be able to push me to fight for my life and my overall health like the love and devotion I had for my son did. I wanted to show him consequences and I wanted to show him that people can change and that hopefully, karma works out in your favor when you put in that effort. My son has always been a bit of a Sage though, he understood things on a deep level at a very early age. He taught me so much about the wisdom of youth (before adults influence them too much) as well as perceptions as his were always very profound albeit different than my own.
I had done so much work on myself I had let go of the idea of knowing a healthy relationship, in this lifetime anyway. I was most recently single for four years, dedicated to becoming healthy and learning a way to help others do the same. I was devoted to clearing my karma, regardless of which lifetime it was from. Then one day someone I had a crush on for eight years appeared to me in a dream after we hadn't interacted for quite some time. Something, my higher self perhaps, kept telling me to reach out to him even if I hadn't thought of him in a while, so I used the dream as an opportunity to reach out. I had forgotten about the past life memories that came up nearly seven years prior to this until I took the time to really open up to this man. I had always felt connected to him, from the moment we met eight years ago but I couldn’t explain it logically. I resisted looking into his eyes for too long whenever we would interact. Once we started seeing each other I remembered the love that I had lost in that other lifetime and I remembered my vow, condemning love. Now this man’s love saves me and it feels familiar, like the woman’s love had seemed to save me in Egypt, except this time, I have done the work on myself to make sure that it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to make me happy, to make me know love, to define me or how I see myself in the world. Now I open up and allow myself to be vulnerable (all while maintaining healthy boundaries) and I remember feeling such a deep love before except now I know that even if I lost love (in the form of this committed relationship) again I wouldn’t curse the gods but I would thank them for letting me know this kind of love again, to bring us together (again perhaps?) so we could know how expansive this kind of unconditional love, free from unrealistic ideas or expectations can be. I have learned a tremendous amount about gratitude and remaining present and knowing that love doesn’t define me, it IS me as it’s all of us when we choose to step into it.
This simple exercise, just laying in bed, changed my life! In response to a viewer's request, here is a body meditation to help you manage your own energy when feeling drained, especially if it's because of energy vampires, abusive or toxic situations and people.
Every Full Moon I do this simple and quick meditation to clear everything out in preparation for the next moon cycle but it can be done anytime you feel you need it. Enjoy!
2018 was a potent year for inner reflection and opportunities to raise our awareness, move our blocks, own our mistakes and decide what to do with the lessons. Here are the biggest lessons I learned over this past year. I'm curious what you learned and would like to share too!
Labels - Labels are something I don't really use nor think about anymore except for when they were used to define me by other people. How do you describe yourself as you are still learning to discover who you are and what you have to offer others? I've been told to listen to others describe you and allow them to do that for you but this caused triggers for me because so many of the words used were associated with 'evil' or 'demonic' influence when I was growing up and I began to feel defensive wanting to proclaim how much closer I feel to God, the divine, my Higher Self and all than ever before; how important prayer is in any ritual or practice I'm using from herbalism, intention setting or working with tools.
Witch, Shaman, Alchemist, Medicine Woman, Spiritual Advisor, Moon Goddess, Lover, Artist, Writer, Model, Mother - I had to accept that these words are simply words used to understand the archetype the person sees in me and is actually a clue as to the type of medicine that person needs and where their gifts may have been lying dormant and are ready to begin to awaken. I'm a Pisces Rising which means one of my natural abilities is to morph into whatever a person or situation calls for and this year has taught me how to use that as a tool for the greater good without getting lost in someone else's archetypal definition of me. I am all of these things. I am also fluid and in constant evolution simultaneously embodying all and none of the definitions people need to try to understand me. It's a gift and an honor to witness who someone else is by what filter they choose to see me through. It also makes it easier to accept, teach, connect and love these people exactly the way they need it.
Unconditional Love - Unconditional love was something I thought I was beginning to understand and then I was faced with things from my past I thought I had reconciled to challenge where I thought I had grown and to push me closer to understanding and accepting what unconditional love is. I was shown where my old ego still clung to fear and pain and once I allowed myself to feel the pain I had pushed down for so many years, for the sake of survival being at the forefront of my mind back then. This year is closing with me accepting that I have a love in me that will never die, no matter how much it hurts when it resurfaces. I am compassionately accepting that the pain is only because the story didn't end and begin the way I had wanted - but that was my ego and if it was for the greatest good than it would have worked out that way. I added the most important missing piece to the book I'm writing and I allow myself to feel everything as it pours out of me. As I accepted this and allowed myself to express it, my heart burst open, any remaining walls around it fell, and it felt as though it continued to bleed on the floor around me. It no longer had a hold over me though and my tears weren't made of blood; I was in love and that was ok. Love doesn't begin or end, it just is and the more we try to control it or harness it the more damage we do to ourselves and others because that isn't love at all, it's fear.
Generations - The other major take-away I have from 2018 is that we focus too much on generations assuming that every person from a certain generation is a certain way. We use the lens of fear to judge people that see the world and approach problems differently than we do when we should actually be interested in another way, to be open to having a healthy dialogue and work together towards solutions. Most humans want the same things but our collective dream has us all easily triggered and overly defensive instead of open to hearing another story, another reality, another way. When I treat generations the same but individuals as uniquely as they actually are, we connect deeply and we find much more things in common than differences. When we blame generations that follow us we only have ourselves to blame because we were responsible for offering those people a safe and loving environment to grow up in. When we blame generations before us we close ourselves off to hearing about the lessons and the wisdom those mistakes offered them. When we blame our own generation we blame ourselves. When we blame we remain victims, throwing our hands into the air, giving our power away to anything or anyone instead of taking responsibility and having the courage to learn from our own mistakes.
I make resolutions and set intentions daily and throughout each day. The ending of a year offers us the opportunity to measure our personal (and professional) growth at a macro level, just as reaching a long-term goal measures our personal (or professional) success. We have this opportunity on more micro levels with each passing day, week and month too. Keep a journal if your personal development is important to you so that you can truly see how far you've come at the end of the year. What intentions do you want to set for the year? What lessons from 2018 can you take into 2019 and build upon? Allow your inner work to be forgiving and fluid but also find a way for you that helps you measure your progress so you don't get discouraged during those really trying periods that life inevitably throws at us.
Sending you all my love and blessings for a prosperous New Year filled with more opportunities to have the courage to live life in a loving and compassionate way towards yourself and others. Together we can begin to change the collective dream.
For nearly eight years I have done everything I could think of to release someone I loved deeply; someone who had helped me find myself again and let go of a dangerous relationship pattern. The caveat was that I created another unhealthy relationship pattern with this man to get out of the dangerous one. I learned, and continue to learn that "better" isn't always right... or best for that matter. There was an intoxicating pull between us, strong enough to be a factor in his relocation.
After confessing and repenting my sins to church elders I begun my healing journey and began my YouTube channel documenting my awareness and recovery around Love Addiction. I studied Psychology focusing on Somatics and Trauma as I became a Body and Energy Worker. My spirituality grew and this one thing continued to haunt me. Just when I thought I was free of it dreams would remind me I was not free. I had created an archetype of what I believed love should be and feel around this person. I faced that and worked at creating a new archetype but the dreams still haunted me.
Then I discovered the idea of Soul Ties. I prayed as I performed a ritual around unbinding my soul from this person after first acknowledging the sinful, toxic way we came together (regardless of how much it helped me). This helped but the dreams started returning. I burned Mugwort essential oil with a candle last night before bed and after vivid dreams I woke up completely clear. I realized that the reason my unconscious and/or subconscious clung to this person, this idea that solidified him as an archetype for me was because of my own shame I refused to acknowledge. The more I think about it, the more I can see how pride blinded me from seeing my own shame. I did what I believed needed to be done and refused to feel shame in order to do it. After it was over pride kept me avoiding and/or denying that shame was an important piece I would need to reconcile. I had convinced myself on some level that if our love worked out, if we ended up together (regardless of how much my conscious mind knew we were all wrong for each other), it would make my choices "ok". It would fix any damage I had done by my actions, regardless of how necessary they seemed at a time when I was out of options (that I could see anyway). It's embarrassing how obvious it is to me now but it's not uncommon to push down unpleasant feelings, especially when life is testing you in so many other ways you just don't have time to do the work until it gets to the point that it refuses to be ignored.
Healing the spirit is vital in any healing process. I had healed my psyche, I continue to work on healing my body but have released these traumas and experiences from my body and heart but my spirit needed healing too. Working with essential oils, creating custom blends for myself and others brings me so much joy. It connects nature to our spirit, offering a potent, concentrated piece of nature in healing our spirit and even our bodies. It's important to remember though, that first, something must be acknowledged. A wrong we have done, a wrong that has been done to us and most importantly, our shame, our self-judgement, our self-abuse, our self-loathing, our choice to remain a victim, succumbing to something that has ended. You have a choice to do the work. The moment you begin the work you are a Warrior, fighting to move from victim to victor.
Micah's confessions and lessons that have helped with self-forgiveness, healing and acceptance.