An update on upcoming projects as well as inviting feedback on your thoughts on shame, empowerment and sexuality. Also, a special thank you to the Patreon members that have helped me already!
I have wrestled with the concept of past lives for years now. When I went to college the topic actually came up a lot and when I studied Clinical Hypnotherapy even more so. This past year I read the book, ‘Many Lives, Many Masters’ by Brian L. Weiss and it resonated with me although I still feel inner resistance to the idea, probably because of my upbringing. When I took those classes and had my own regression sessions however, I had what felt like memories come up even though I was a skeptic (to say the least). This is my story and I’m not trying to convince you of anything but rather wish to engage in a dialogue around this topic.
When you are under clinical supervision during Hypnotherapy it isn’t a game or a joke, you are remaining conscious while exploring your sub and unconsciousness. Like a flash I could see myself wailing in agony. I was grieving. I was an Egyptian man in ancient Egypt, wearing a white shendyt and a white and gold nemes. As I lamented I could see myself vow to never love so deeply ever again. I swore at the gods for taking the woman I loved from me. The memories came back all at once but fragmented as most memories can be. I remember seeing her body on a slab surrounded by a bed canopy as she was being prepared for funeral rites which pushed me beyond my breaking point as I ran outside filled with rage and pain. We were young, late twenties I believe, and not yet married. I knew she had died from an illness and that our love had to be a secret prior to her death which had something to do with her family but the details remain unclear. I knew that unless I found her again I would never be able to completely give my heart to anyone ever again.
When I came to full, present awareness after the session I was in a bit of shock. I had seen my life, this lifetime, pass before my eyes. I saw my failed relationships lined up in front of me. I saw how I would use sex as a way to distance myself from anyone and to keep them from getting too close. I knew love but only out of necessity and a part of me was always guarded, always holding back. Prior to this hypnotherapy session I had discovered that this lifetime was meant for me to clean up old karma from past lives, specifically around romantic relationships. I could find a psychological reason for my patterns all I wanted but until I accepted that I was dealing with past karma, from another lifetime, the patterns would repeat. I needed to learn a lesson from a former lifetime. Regardless of how much I believed in past lives, I couldn’t deny how odd it was that I had such unhealthy relationships when I came from a loving home with devoted parents and no emotional abuse or trauma as a child to explain my behaviors and choices throughout my life.
From the moment my mother became pregnant with me I resisted this life. She was gravely ill the entire pregnancy and was in an accident. I was nearly two weeks late and my mom had life-threatening labor as I screamed inside her womb fighting the delivery, my body twisted upside-down, bottom first. I had significant physical traumas from childhood into adulthood and all the times I came close to dying I never did. Then my son was born and he became my greatest teacher. I had a friend tell me once that my son was very likely an important spiritual teacher for me in a former life and he came into this life to help me continue to learn. No one else would be able to push me to fight for my life and my overall health like the love and devotion I had for my son did. I wanted to show him consequences and I wanted to show him that people can change and that hopefully, karma works out in your favor when you put in that effort. My son has always been a bit of a Sage though, he understood things on a deep level at a very early age. He taught me so much about the wisdom of youth (before adults influence them too much) as well as perceptions as his were always very profound albeit different than my own.
I had done so much work on myself I had let go of the idea of knowing a healthy relationship, in this lifetime anyway. I was most recently single for four years, dedicated to becoming healthy and learning a way to help others do the same. I was devoted to clearing my karma, regardless of which lifetime it was from. Then one day someone I had a crush on for eight years appeared to me in a dream after we hadn't interacted for quite some time. Something, my higher self perhaps, kept telling me to reach out to him even if I hadn't thought of him in a while, so I used the dream as an opportunity to reach out. I had forgotten about the past life memories that came up nearly seven years prior to this until I took the time to really open up to this man. I had always felt connected to him, from the moment we met eight years ago but I couldn’t explain it logically. I resisted looking into his eyes for too long whenever we would interact. Once we started seeing each other I remembered the love that I had lost in that other lifetime and I remembered my vow, condemning love. Now this man’s love saves me and it feels familiar, like the woman’s love had seemed to save me in Egypt, except this time, I have done the work on myself to make sure that it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to make me happy, to make me know love, to define me or how I see myself in the world. Now I open up and allow myself to be vulnerable (all while maintaining healthy boundaries) and I remember feeling such a deep love before except now I know that even if I lost love (in the form of this committed relationship) again I wouldn’t curse the gods but I would thank them for letting me know this kind of love again, to bring us together (again perhaps?) so we could know how expansive this kind of unconditional love, free from unrealistic ideas or expectations can be. I have learned a tremendous amount about gratitude and remaining present and knowing that love doesn’t define me, it IS me as it’s all of us when we choose to step into it.
Do you ever become mildly obsessed with a song because it resonates with you or something you’re going through? I had been listening to Salt and Shadow by Thrice over and over again after hearing it for the first time the other day. I kept trying to understand what it was about it that was moving something within me because it didn’t really apply to my current situation or how I feel, other than being a beautiful, soulful song. Then it hit me, it’s because for the first time in my life I do NOT relate to this feeling and that needed to be acknowledged.
The song’s lyrics are beautiful and they express how someone can be physically present but just be ‘salt and shadow’ always so far away. I have lived most of my life as salt and shadow. Wherever I was I wasn’t really there, I wanted to be somewhere else and even if I got to be in the place I imagined, with the person or person(s) I thought I wanted to be with I wasn’t really there either. Where was I? I was ‘half a world away’ always. I wanted to love but never felt safe to do so, not truly. Even when I was loved, I could feel the other person holding back, projecting, hiding, or they simply just loved differently than I did so I stayed far away. This didn’t help any relationship issues obviously; tensions grew and I grew further and further away before physically removing myself.
This is all something I knew was happening. I spent so much time and energy protecting myself, keeping my guard up, I had no energy to invest in myself or anyone I loved including my son. I had never truly known myself and therefore had nothing to offer anyone else and the more someone tried to reach me the further I would pull back. Only recently have I been given the opportunity to shift this pattern. I spent almost 4 years alone to do the work I needed to do on myself so that I would never allow myself to be in a relationship again where I felt like I would be remotely tempted to pull away. In this new relationship I would witness those old patterns creep up and with his support I had to force myself to look at the pattern and step back to look at the entire situation objectively. I needed to see if my desire to pull away was necessary as it had been in the past. It wasn’t. I knew that logically, even in my heart, but my body… my body hadn’t caught up with my mind, heart and spirit.
Each time I was triggered by something that reminded my body of something from the past I would pull away, in a sense abandoning the man that just wanted to love me in that moment. Each time though, I would open up just a little more as he continued to prove his genuine, pure, honest and very real intentions. Part of me needed to see how he would respond to me when I’m triggered or experiencing a PTSD moment before I would open up. I went from shutting him out completely the first time this happened to most recently, feeling what was happening in my body and being with it instead of trying to escape it. Then I needed to tell him what was happening in my mind and body, no matter how ridiculous it sounded so that he could be part of my experience, being allowed to love me and not being shut out. This last time was the most powerful, I cried and he just held me and then it was over. It was as though I had always had chains around me and in that moment of acknowledgment and embrace I realized the chains were made of mist and they faded just as easily and mysteriously as they appeared.
This song haunted me because I needed to acknowledge how far I’ve come and that there are still moments when a part of me, usually my body, is triggered by something from the past and I can feel myself fade into just ‘salt and shadow’ ‘half a world away’ and I don’t need to do that now. What I need now is to completely show up and remain present, especially when it’s most difficult because now I am loved and supported as well as always accepted for who I am regardless of how that may change from moment to moment. I am able to feel empowered in my vulnerability, not taken advantage of, taken for granted, exploited, belittled or abused. Remembering when I needed to escape and knowing that I don’t need to feel that again is one of the most divine feelings you can imagine, it continues to leave me in awe.
When I first saw this image I immediately recognized myself as a grandmother. I have had difficulty seeing myself as a grandmother ever since I found out I was going to be one and in this image I recognized that archetype in myself for the first time. I wasn't ready to be a mother when I became one, I did the best I could under the circumstances and with my limited knowledge of what the role of a healthy mother would feel like for a child but I always knew I was lacking.
After years of working on myself so as to embody the archetypal Mother and eventually (hopefully) the Crone (along with my natural 'Magician' archetype) I was concerned that when I get to see my granddaughter I won't be ready once again, to 'show up' for her the way a grandmother should. But then I saw this image and in an instant I saw the work I have done. Of course I see age but I also see experience, knowledge, love and a dignity that I never knew before. I see someone who has strived to be worthy of my heart's desires that are just now beginning to be fulfilled.
I reflect with reverence on the journey I chose which was heavily influenced by the women before me - the Sages and Crones that passed on their anguish, their lessons, their hopes, their dreams and their love. I will continue to pull away at the layers laid on me by my past, appreciating what was once offered - trusting that as I continue to reveal my deepest self I will give the generations to follow the courage to appreciate what I and other ancestors offered without needing to adapt what does not serve a greater good. I will vow to honor the naivete of my youth as I honor the wisdom that comes with my advancing years.
We are often told that once your heart has been neglected, abandoned or broken that it will carry scars but what they don't tell you is how comfortable you can become with those scars. In the journey of healing, you become aware of your scars and through healthy self-love, you learn to stretch your heart around them. People come into your life, bursting your heart open in ways you never dreamed and you remember what love can feel like. Tears fall as the scars are stretched because you feel something you had forgotten you were worthy to feel. The simplest, sincere act of compassion and love can expose how terribly vulnerable you still are and you feel it in those scars. You begin to accept that this is part of what makes you who you are and it helps you connect to others in a more meaningful way so you treat your embarrassingly vulnerable expressions with the compassion you know you deserve.
As you become more adept at the process of transmutation, no longer seeing yourself as something that needs to be healed but instead someone with gifts to offer others, you will be sent people and circumstances to push your development further so you can step further into your truest potential. It's easy to become comfortable in our aloneness where it's safe and constant. Solitude predicates transcendence and transcendence can become addictive but once it is an addiction it's no longer transcendence. One of the many paradoxes of spiritual pursuits. The continued need to transcend can become a way to avoid what we are on Earth at this particular time to do. It can lead to disconnection when not in balance. When something happens to make you feel uncomfortable, to test your resolve, that is your lesson to unite heaven and earth within yourself and demonstrate it in all you do.
What we aren't told is that sometimes, the deeper the love that comes along, the more uncomfortable it can be but in the best possible way. The best kind of love shows you the atrophied pieces of your heart buried in adhesions and brings it to life again. There's a pain that comes with this, a pain that reminds you of how these wounds came to be, simultaneously showing you how the past can still, ever-so-subtly affect you. If you want to keep growing you will have to let your heart stretch through and around everything that has kept it restricted. You will begin to forget why the adhesions came to be and only care about lovingly working through the pain of massaging and stretching them, knowing that doing this is to expand who you are and what you are capable of.
This kind of love doesn't feel like falling, it feels like a mindful, intentional surrender to each of your greater good. This kind of love comes along to challenge you to decide if you want to remain comfortable and settled in how things are or if you are ready for an adventure that will change you and those you influence for the better if you allow it. Honor the past with reverence in all it had to offer you and release what is no longer helping your (or anyone else's) greater good. Trust yourself and trust the process as you explore love in a wise and profound way. Feel your heart guide you, your body doesn't lie. Learn the difference between your body warning you and your body ready to embrace something wonderful if you allow it to.
Photographer: Ted Scanon of TedScanon Photography from a project we did together titled 'Becoming'
Micah's confessions and lessons that have helped with self-forgiveness, healing and acceptance.