Thinking back on the various types of orgasms I've experienced had me pondering the fact that the more significant the orgasm, the deeper sense of gratitude I experienced beforehand, (obviously anyone is grateful for a good orgasm after the fact). As I pondered and discussed this topic further with other people who are adept in this department I also began to ponder the act of surrender and its role in pleasure and ultimately orgasm - sexually speaking.
Orgasms are not difficult for me because I have learned to take my time, to have a very good sense of a man and know that there is a mutual synergy and respect with no sense of neediness or expectations attached. Yes, I have learned discernment and how to maintain my sense of dignity through less than and even traumatic avenues but I have learned and very much love where I'm at with my love life and sexuality.
Less truly can be more in this instance.
Less has meant not settling, waiting for perfect / divine timing, and sometimes a dash of love. As a recovering Love Addict and someone who is, in astrological terms, ruled by Venus in Taurus and who's Mars is in Pisces I do tend to fall in love a little with the people I let "in" (pun wasn't intended but there it is). "Love" in the English language is insultingly simple for what I mean though. I don't believe there is an addictive component when you can remain detached from any particular outcome and you have released that desperate image you have held on to in your mind for as long as you can remember. Believing in love and embracing it in each form that it has been presented to me has expanded my ideas, beliefs, imagination, creativity, spirituality and sense of self as well as my sense of wholeness and what that means. I will cover different types of "love" in different languages in future videos and blogs.
When I think about the less than satisfactory sexual experiences they all started with me, just as the best ones do. When I was having sex out of a feeling of obligation or because I was in want, it was less than satisfying. Although, some of my best realizations about myself and the darker path I once was on came (unintentional pun again) when in less than or even awful interactions with men I didn't really want to be with. They misunderstood this to mean we had a really good connection (and still do) but it was more the awakening you get when something really tragic happens. Thank you for the lesson... Moving on...
The greatest sexual experiences I have had were in the beginning of deep and meaningful love, before any betrayals, when I was naive about what "this could be" and surrendered completely with no regard to the pain that could come later. When betrayal and dismay set in the sexual experience shifts, mainly because my perceptions were shattered and now that person would represent that shattered fantasy. Once though, I let go of any fantasy or idea of what could be and fully embrace what is I gain control of my orgasm again. The union with this partner you trust and respect, who truly needs nothing from you than your presence when you are together becomes much more meaningful, even spiritual. Setting aside the physical ways I am capable of achieving my desired outcome (which I have rarely had issues with), as a woman, emotionally I am able to surrender, feeling safe, falling in love with the sensations in my body, each of them unique each time. I am able to carry this feeling into every day life. Trauma no longer ruling me, so any sensation felt in my body is trusted. I can even tell when I'm getting sick earlier and take preventative measures sooner because I am tuning in more.
This all brings me back to the original point, being grateful for your partner and his (or her) willingness to give you a safe space to be vulnerable allows for deeper and more meaningful orgasms, and the deeper that connection becomes the deeper and more intense the shared sexual expression.
So ultimately, if YOU were to look at orgasms as a component of gratitude, how would this change your perspective and even experience of sex (if at all).
There is much more to discuss on this topic in the future so I will pause for now with the intent that, if you are a woman and this is a difficult topic for you, I am happy to discuss more privately.
Visit my friend Kim's site for more work or to schedule a shoot of your own in the Phoenix area: http://www.goodvibesphoto.com/
The polarities of intense love
October is a big month for delving into the shadows and after I read about the potential impact the Dark New Moon in Scorpio may have had on us I began to self-reflect on my own love for shadow work. This New Moon reunited me with memories from my past so I went with it to see what I was meant to learn.
As I layed in my bed in that space between being awake and asleep (research Yoga Nidra to know more) I felt my body sinking down, deep into the earth, into the past, into the bed of the one man who was once my ideation of love. I was the addict and he was my heroine and as I surrendered to this memory I was forced to face one of the greatest paradoxes of the love addiction cycle and that is not only was I addicted to the euphoric highs but also the devastating, soul crushing lows...
Life offers experiences that move our emotions like a pendulum and when in any kind of addictive cycle that pendulum swings almost violently from one extreme to the other. To cling to and pursue (even by avoiding - the opposite extreme of the same addictive cycle) an idea of a person, the fantasy of what "love" is supposed to be is to feed the addiction.
Have you ever noticed that if you read any "great" love story, the more painful and agonizing it is the more drawn in we become? We become addicted to the intensity, the euphoria can't be as high if the lows aren't hellishly low so when we see the opportunity to thrust ourselves into our fantasy we take it, and we revel in the glorious manifestation of that Oxytocin release and revel just as much, if not more so when things go "wrong", when we are betrayed, when our fantasy is betrayed. So we look for any way to get that hit again, that Oxytocin high and the cycle starts up again, either with that one person we have idealized or surrogates in the meantime.
Everything in life is filled with polarities and we create our own paradoxes based on our unmet needs, our fears, our empty and obscure hopes. We curse our pain, we curse ourselves for finding ourselves right back where we swore we would never be again. Why do we do this? I suppose it's different for each person. For me, I'm a deeply intense person that desires peace; I am a walking contradiction, but the thing I fear most is being suspended in the in-between of life. I crave all the richness life has to offer, I get too eager and swallow every experience whole and then need countless hours alone in order to find my balance again.
Breaking any kind of addictive cycle means we must recalibrate, find a new homeostasis. Finding your homeostasis isn't just about your physical body finding its healthy balance but also your mind, heart and spirit. So for me, I have released any idea of what relationships are "supposed to be" and am open to learning about what they are in each moment. I remain as present as possible and then share what I've learned after a cycle of learning, processing and integrating has passed.
This will prompt many questions for each person and with my experience and training I find greater joy in helping others find their own answers than any other work I have done. Know that your balance, what is healthy for you will continue to evolve as you do and people will come and go as you grow. The change of people in your life is a mere reflection of the work you are doing and how it's paying off so be patient, trust the process and trust yourself!
And by all means, allow yourself to grieve what was, no matter how unhealthy it may seem to you now. Free of judgement, blame, rationalizations for self or others, just be with your grief and love yourself for caring that much about your heart, your health and your safety. This isn't looking back, this is processing what was, allowing it to move and make room for what will be.
Dreams and bokeh
Maybe it's the upcoming Full Moon, maybe it's because it's Halloween month but I've had some vivid dreams with clear spiritual battles between perceived "good" and "evil". Last night my subconscious chose to show me people's energy by surrounding toxic people with black liquidy smoke and then I saw two women seated with gentle, almost witchy smiles and their energy was all dancing bokeh light. I made the intention right then and there I would be the person with beautiful bokeh light energy and I wouldn't let anyone take that from me, or interfere.
Bokeh Wallpaper: http://pcwallart.com/katie-cassidy-black-canary-wallpaper-2.html
Bokeh Girl Dancing with Hearts: http://girllovesfood.com/girllovesfood/2014/7/23/bokeh-much-the-photography-trick-you-just-have-to-try-technique-how-to-girl-loves-life
Jupiter Enters Libra - 9.9.9
In reading the following articles about what it means when Jupiter enters Libra, one of the articles invites you to think back on where you were in life when Jupiter was last in Libra so I accepted the challenge.
First let me say that Pluto was in Libra (House VI) when I was born and Pluto rules the subconscious, the microcosm of things. Jupiter "Jupiter, the King of the Gods, is the ruler of Sagittarius. In Astrology, Jupiter is a planet of plenty. It is tolerant and expansive. The first of the social planets, Jupiter seeks insight through knowledge. Some of this planet’s keywords include morality, gratitude, hope, honor, and the law. Jupiter is a planet of broader purpose, reach, and possibility.
Jupiter has generally been associated with good luck and bounty. Optimism and growth (including mental and spiritual growth) come under its rule. On the up side, Jupiter is associated with a sense of humor, good will, and mercy. The more negative manifestations of Jupiter include blind optimism, excess, and overindulgence. Irresponsibility that results from blind optimism, not ill will, can be displayed." (Click for source)
I looked up where I was in life the last time Jupiter was in Libra - mostly out of curiosity. Jupiter was last in Libra September 24,2004 through October 25, 2005. These dates hit me like a truck! December of 2004 is when I accepted a job that changed my life and offered me multiple levels of opportunity and freedom. Blind is a bit of an understatement as I jumped into opportunities that would later bring me the awareness of my Love Addictive patterns. I embodied this: "The more negative manifestations of Jupiter include blind optimism, excess, and overindulgence. Irresponsibility that results from blind optimism, not ill will, can be displayed."
I share this because my inability to understand or truly appreciating the potential repercussions of all of my prayers and manifestations being answered - like a wish being granted when we haven't thought of all the ways the genie can translate the wish - I would have entered these blessings with open eyes and maybe I could have learned the lessons without leaving such devastation in my wake.
If things go as well during this period as they did the last time Jupiter was in Libra, then I will do my best to remain balanced, an observer of my experience just as much as when things are tough. Balancing the heart meridian (in TCM) and the heart chakra will be especially necessary for this overly joyful woman!
Here are some links about the significance of Jupiter entering Libra as well as the significance of 9.9.9:
-Intuitive Astrology: Jupiter Enters Libra and the 999 Gateway
-ENERGY SHIFT IN PROGRESS: JUPITER HAS GONE INTO LIBRA FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 12 YEARS
Micah's confessions and lessons that have helped with self-forgiveness, healing and acceptance.