Someone demonstrated their love for me yesterday. This happens everyday in one way or another but this moment left me awe-struck. It was one of those surreal moments that your mind is having so much trouble computing you feel frozen knowing that moment will be captured in a timeless resonance forever. I've had a lot of painful moments like that but not as many beautiful ones which may be why it hit me so hard. I was at work on a slow day and went to the back for a moment and when I came up front a young woman was sitting in my chair. I had worked with her for nine months at a location 45 minutes away so I stopped in my tracks and just stared at her. I was so happy to see her sweet face I am pretty sure I said out loud, "Is it you?! Am I dreaming?" She was teasing me about getting to work but knowing how far away she lives and works from the location I now work at had my mind reeling with why she could be there. That's what trauma brain does to you, it searches desperately to look for holes in something that seems too good to be true to keep you safe. The computer part of my brain accepted that there was 'no threat here' as she stood to hug me. Did I mention she's in her early twenties and pregnant too?!
She had drove all the way to our location to bring me a present with the most heartfelt card. I cried. I'm crying now as I write it. Another girl I work with bought me a small heart music box that plays, "I Only Have Eyes For You". How romantic is that?! To be clear, everyone is straight. This is what loves looks and feels like. I've noticed that younger women are the ones who seem to be most open and honest with expressing their gratitude to me. I connect with young women quite easily. I guess this surprises me because I grew up in an environment where the girls were petty and cruel. I never had real friends as I was the sensitive, awkward outcast, different from everyone else. This didn't change when I was married. In fact, it got worse. The venom that women came up with to make my life hell was beyond my belief, especially when they knew the danger their blatant lies would put me in. I didn't realize how much this needed healing until now.
I'm nothing extraordinary. I have my stories of pain and struggle too. The only difference is I see people; I mean, really see them. I see them outside of my own stories. Sure my stories come up because I'm human and I look for reasons to relate to other people and feel accepted, but when someone is in pain or needs a listening ear I give them everything I have so they don't have to feel alone or any of the other awful things I've felt. This young woman who brought me this gift, let's just say that she was sure she wasn't going to like me from the beginning but to her credit, she let her guard down and let me in and the rest is history. The most caring and sensitive spirits are usually the ones that care the most though; that's why they feel they need walls or at the very least, very firm boundaries you need to work to navigate around in a respectful manner. You never want to manipulate boundaries, just honor them and show up as you are anyway, they will do the rest in their own due time.
I share this for two main reasons... the first is that I don't want to hear crap about Millennials and their attitude. I raised a Millennial and can tell you that any grievance you have with that generation is on the shoulders of the generation that raised them. I made mistakes too but people are people and every person and every generation has its own unique approach to how you deal with them. Don't be lazy, see them as another human being, do the work, be the example! If I can do it anyone can! The younger you can reach someone and show them what it's like to be accepted as they are as you reflect their true gifts and talents the better the world will be. It's like tending to a young garden and watching it bloom. It's awe-inspiring. Of course, this goes the same for older generations, respecting the work they did, the lessons they learned and can offer - which brings me back to all these young people showing their love in so many ways towards me. They're already learning that without any prompting from me, just watching me and getting to know me.
The second point is that my heart bursts open thinking about how this seemingly small act burst my heart wide open. In my mind for the years I've been single I have told myself over and over again the kind of love I deserve and won't settle for less in a romantic relationship. Then, through all these small acts of kindness and love from people sending me cards for the first time to the little acts from the heart from people I work with, all this shows me that I'm openly receiving the love I know I deserve already. This young woman had the courage to reflect to me what I have offered others in a way that resonated deeply with me; a way that seemed to encode in my DNA my worth, my value. I don't love for attention or to gain anything, love is its own reward and now the people demonstrating it more get to see and experience that which is the greatest gift any of us can receive. Love grows exponentially when it comes from a space of gratitude and an abundance mind-set rather than looking at where we are lacking or feeling bad about what we don't have.
Two years ago I wrote 'A Step Deeper Into Love' and ended it with this, "...love is meant to show us and others our vulnerability and how this only empowers each person that has the courage to stand in that space and to hold that space with another person. Love does not come with restrictive expectations but with respect and honor. Love affords you dignity as you offer dignity to others. Love holds people when they are in pain, it sits silently when someone invites you into their experience, it reflects everything in the self and the other person and accepts it with compassion. Love is our fortitude." The Yin/feminine energy of December is a beautiful energy to experience.
Micah's confessions and lessons that have helped with self-forgiveness, healing and acceptance.